Friday, April 23, 2010
Has Spring sprung ?
Beautiful day, between rain showers. Rain caused AC repair to be postponed until Monday. I am going to dinner tonight, wonder if it will be something different? Probably not. Still searching for the elusive chairs that match the kitchen table, but I will not be thwarted. I am so close to graduating that I can actually see the finish line and it is a little scary. What will the next step be? I have thought about going on and getting a psychology degree, but do I really have that in me? Oh well I will think about it later too much to get done this weekend and too little time to do it in.
Monday, April 19, 2010
A Tasteful Afair
Yesterday was ATA and I had a good time, managed to get my first oral auction item. It appears I won a 7000 sp foot cabin in Des Moins IA for 5 days. Up to 25 people can fit. I did find that during the set up I kept looking for Kevin to be there with a bid book and double checking that everything was on his list, and in the computer. The man who took over the bid board is far more relaxed than Kevin. I was a lot sad when I went home to change for the actual event. I almost did not go back. Then after the event was over I went to Clems for dinner, after eating all afternoon, and it was packed. I had one of those moments when I was in a crowd of probably 70 people and was completely alone. This has not happened for a long time. I am surprised that this event caused so much emotional upset for me.
I will be graduating next fall, with an associates anyway. Hopefully will go on to a 4 year and get a bachelors in psychology. All of the people in the world and a nut job like me wnats to go into this field. I do actually have a desire for this, if to help myself more than others. World don't worry I am not going to be practicing in any medical field. Then again I could just build myself a man and then infuse him with the energy of the universe, oh wait that was Rocky Horror. Well life is back to the normal, or as the counseling information says, the new normal.
I will be graduating next fall, with an associates anyway. Hopefully will go on to a 4 year and get a bachelors in psychology. All of the people in the world and a nut job like me wnats to go into this field. I do actually have a desire for this, if to help myself more than others. World don't worry I am not going to be practicing in any medical field. Then again I could just build myself a man and then infuse him with the energy of the universe, oh wait that was Rocky Horror. Well life is back to the normal, or as the counseling information says, the new normal.
Friday, April 09, 2010
A lot in a little
A lot of things have happened in the last few weeks. My uncle was diagnosed with bone cancer and passed 8 days later. This has brought up a lot of unwanted memories and feelings. Things that I thought were not able to hut me now came back with a vengeance. To exasperate the situation personal relationships with the family have started to come to a boiling point and attitudes that are unacceptable can no longer be tolerated. Death brings out the best or worse in people that is a fact that can not be argued with.
The worse seems to prevail in those who should be the best at such times but life is full of disappointments and those who you expect the most of often let you down the worse. This leaves lasting wounds that will never heal and causes you to act in ways that are cause for regret. The final factor is respect, if you can not respect someone you can not love them, love and respect are mutual to me and can not exist without one another. I have lost all respect for someone who I once had a great deal for. This is gone and while I can tolerate and allow contact the relationship is permanently damaged and will forever be over in all aspects except those of common contact. I can and will go on and feel that this was a long time in coming. I can not allow the tyranny over those that I care for by anyone, no matter what the excuses or claims of not remembering what was said and done. I may soften in this matter but I doubt it, some lines, once crossed, are forever broken and can never be repaired.
Life is moving forward and Kevin has now been gone for over 7 months. I feel his loss as acute as ever as I write this and do not truly expect to get back to where I was just a few days ago for some time. The wounds once reopened take longer to heal, if they ever do. Scars are thick and painful once reopened. I will be better some day just not this one, I will get a life that is hopeful, just not today, I will get a world with happiness, just not today, but someday it will be and then I can look back and say I survived and am stronger than before.
Dave has told me that I should write a book about my life taking care of Kevina and this continuing struggle to resume life. I am for the first time thinking maybe I will. I doubt it would be published, but it would be a way to lay down a record of what happens when someone you love dies and how it never leaves you again no matter what and how the littlest things can rip at you at any time to thrust you back into the hell you thought was behind you at any time.
The worse seems to prevail in those who should be the best at such times but life is full of disappointments and those who you expect the most of often let you down the worse. This leaves lasting wounds that will never heal and causes you to act in ways that are cause for regret. The final factor is respect, if you can not respect someone you can not love them, love and respect are mutual to me and can not exist without one another. I have lost all respect for someone who I once had a great deal for. This is gone and while I can tolerate and allow contact the relationship is permanently damaged and will forever be over in all aspects except those of common contact. I can and will go on and feel that this was a long time in coming. I can not allow the tyranny over those that I care for by anyone, no matter what the excuses or claims of not remembering what was said and done. I may soften in this matter but I doubt it, some lines, once crossed, are forever broken and can never be repaired.
Life is moving forward and Kevin has now been gone for over 7 months. I feel his loss as acute as ever as I write this and do not truly expect to get back to where I was just a few days ago for some time. The wounds once reopened take longer to heal, if they ever do. Scars are thick and painful once reopened. I will be better some day just not this one, I will get a life that is hopeful, just not today, I will get a world with happiness, just not today, but someday it will be and then I can look back and say I survived and am stronger than before.
Dave has told me that I should write a book about my life taking care of Kevina and this continuing struggle to resume life. I am for the first time thinking maybe I will. I doubt it would be published, but it would be a way to lay down a record of what happens when someone you love dies and how it never leaves you again no matter what and how the littlest things can rip at you at any time to thrust you back into the hell you thought was behind you at any time.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sprin is getting hot
I have been on the first date since Kevin and I first met 15 years ago on Saturday. I had a great time and hope he did too. Tonight I have another, different man, and am looking forward to it. I thought no one would ever be interested in my 41 year old, overweight, out of shape, self again. In the last week things are certainly turning around. I no longer feel that I am close to scarring small children, when I am not meaning too anyway. I can feel my since of humor returning and realizing around others more and more. I am feeling truly alive again, and it feels good. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I will take it as it comes. I have never thought love could happen to me again, and still really don't. I am content with my life of living alone, and am quickly realizing that the alone is not lonely. I am building a full life all by myself, something I have never done before. I really was not sure if I could to tell the truth. Life is taking me in directions that I never thought I would or could go in.
Life can carry me for a while, I had to carry it for so long I think it is time for me to sit back relax and let come what may.
Life can carry me for a while, I had to carry it for so long I think it is time for me to sit back relax and let come what may.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
End of Spring Break
The happy hour I hosted last evening was great! I had a great time talking and socialising with everyone. I actually felt like life had some semblance of normality. I am cleaning and repairing the walls in the laundry closet. I will paint in there tomorrow, in preparation for the new washer and dryer on Monday. Moved the old set to Rich and Heathers this morning, uneventful except for the cut over my eye form the washer not wanting to get into dad's truck. I am tired but need a night out, so gonna rest a little then go out for a while.
The girls are doing great and were lavished with attention last night. Snuggy ate it up. They have brought a lot of happiness into my life over the past few months. I am finding that they are far more resilient than Spot and Max were. I am not sure if it is because they are younger, or just different cats. I say cats now because they are hardly kittens any longer. They seem to adjust to changes in the schedule easily, which is nice.
I have begun to feel more comfortable with other people lately, I even look forward to interacting with others instead of forcing myself to do it. Most aspects of my life are calm and reaching a normality, the grief books call it the new normal. Things in my family can always offer some drama. Having so many in the family leaves this option always open. But this is all part of life, as we all learn eventually. My mind wonders to thoughts of Kevin and I am no longer brought to tears by this, he is still firmly in my mind and always there with me. Lately I no longer think of living our life without him but rather living my life after him. This is probably a good thing, or it could be the prelude to a psychotic break! This as with everything in life will be known in time.
I sometimes feel a little sad when thinking about all that is to come, and that Kevin will not be here to share it with me. Rarely now do I talk to him about my day and what is happening or about to. I know now that he is at peace and I will no longer feel his presence around me. This is sad to me but at the same time it gives me hope that he has found a comfort and peace that he so deserves. I only hope that I can do the same in time. For the present, I just find happiness as it is offered and be thankful that I am allowed it.
The girls are doing great and were lavished with attention last night. Snuggy ate it up. They have brought a lot of happiness into my life over the past few months. I am finding that they are far more resilient than Spot and Max were. I am not sure if it is because they are younger, or just different cats. I say cats now because they are hardly kittens any longer. They seem to adjust to changes in the schedule easily, which is nice.
I have begun to feel more comfortable with other people lately, I even look forward to interacting with others instead of forcing myself to do it. Most aspects of my life are calm and reaching a normality, the grief books call it the new normal. Things in my family can always offer some drama. Having so many in the family leaves this option always open. But this is all part of life, as we all learn eventually. My mind wonders to thoughts of Kevin and I am no longer brought to tears by this, he is still firmly in my mind and always there with me. Lately I no longer think of living our life without him but rather living my life after him. This is probably a good thing, or it could be the prelude to a psychotic break! This as with everything in life will be known in time.
I sometimes feel a little sad when thinking about all that is to come, and that Kevin will not be here to share it with me. Rarely now do I talk to him about my day and what is happening or about to. I know now that he is at peace and I will no longer feel his presence around me. This is sad to me but at the same time it gives me hope that he has found a comfort and peace that he so deserves. I only hope that I can do the same in time. For the present, I just find happiness as it is offered and be thankful that I am allowed it.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Spring has sprung
I have had a busy 2 weeks. I had midterms last week and am on Spring Break this week!! The girls are at the vet having a DE-clawing. They will spend the night, and I will get them tomorrow after 9. this past weekend Teresa and I went to Joey's and had a kid filled Saturday night. 5 kids vs 3 adults at Chuckey Cheeses, the kids won. I have been making progress in getting the condo together. I have to have the place presentable by the HH this Friday. I have a plan and just have to make it happen. I am a little tired today, girls kept me awake until 1 this morning. I am starting to keep up with the paperwork and that is a major thing for me.
I do have to let everyone know that the Brian Tumor Walk will not happen this year. A lack of volunteers was the sited cause. I have been thinking a lot about Kevin during the evening again. This was the time when we really were together. Before and after the tumor. We always ate dinner together and then had a few hours of us time. This usually was watching TV, or sometimes just talking. The just talking was more to the end. It is hard to believe that Kevin has been gone for more than 6 months already. I have been in the condo for over 3! I have had a good time at school so far. I am going to take at least 1 class this summer. I am still deciding where to go for a little trip. I am leaning to Savanna again. Kevin and I always wanted to go back there again.
i have even thought about going to Fiesta land but I am not sure that I am up for that. The condo is already to the brim with dishes. I will have the serving pieces this Friday for the HH. this will be the first time since before Kevin died. 7
I do have to let everyone know that the Brian Tumor Walk will not happen this year. A lack of volunteers was the sited cause. I have been thinking a lot about Kevin during the evening again. This was the time when we really were together. Before and after the tumor. We always ate dinner together and then had a few hours of us time. This usually was watching TV, or sometimes just talking. The just talking was more to the end. It is hard to believe that Kevin has been gone for more than 6 months already. I have been in the condo for over 3! I have had a good time at school so far. I am going to take at least 1 class this summer. I am still deciding where to go for a little trip. I am leaning to Savanna again. Kevin and I always wanted to go back there again.
i have even thought about going to Fiesta land but I am not sure that I am up for that. The condo is already to the brim with dishes. I will have the serving pieces this Friday for the HH. this will be the first time since before Kevin died. 7
Thursday, March 04, 2010
6 Month mark
Kevin passed away 6 months ago today. I sometimes feel it has been years, sometimes as if he just took his last breath in our bedroom while I was holding his hand. I have more good days than bad. I guess that is some progress. Life is moving on and some days I really enjoy it. I have become accustomed to being alone. This is something I never thought I could have done. Strange how experience and age changes one. Well just a short one today. Kevin I love you as much now as when we celebrated our 15Th anniversary last year.
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