2 Years

The summer got away from me and last Sunday Kevin had been gone for 2 full years. I spent it at Mason's 11th birthday party. I see the kids get older and grow up. I wonder if they will even truly remember Kevin in a few years or if he will just be someone people talk about that they think they remember. I am moving forward in life at a fair pace. Charlie is back st work and I am back to volunteering again. I am leaving for South Padre next Saturday for a week. This is the first real vacation I have had in 6 years. I am looking forward to this next adventure.
I have learned the most important lesson in surviving the death of your life mate. You can never forget him but you have to let him go or you will have to die with him. That was not an option. I have learned to put things into perspective, life moves and you have to move with it. This is the 10th anniversary of 9-11 and I have seen the memories of those lost revisited all week. Above all else I get to remember the man I loved for the majority of my adult life, and will always in some way. I have learned to love myself as me and not we.
KR

Cruze into summer

Back at Food Outreach for 2 weeks now and getting back into the swing of it. Katie has arrived and they are all her for good now. Keith continues to do well has started his treatments and is in good spirits. Time flies and I am going to be 43 2 weeks form today! I have thought about what I want to do and really just want to spend the weekend alone, possibly out of town. Chicago sounds like a good option. I am staying on top of my work outs as well weight and sugars are stable and I am pleased with the results of the past 4 months. I have lost almost 25 pounds and feel better than I have in years. I have a lot of the old self confidence back about my appearance as well. Time to get some more work done around the house and get ready for tomorrow.
Kenny

Summer plans change

I am taking over the van driver position for Charlie for the next 3 months. He is due to be back at the beginning of August. I am going to put the money I am making away and do something for me like going to the big Ford show in Michigan. I am still unsure about this. I am making decisions that are all for me and am happy about it. Once again I am helping others but have put limits on it. One thing I have decided to do is make sure my needs are always in my planning and acceptance of other things. I am getting ready to head to a car show and swap meet today in Ofallon Il. I am planning my future and doing it so that I am happy alone but could include someone if it happens. I am making my life about me and realizing that it is o k to do so.
Kenny

All over again

Been a busy week. Keith, Kevin's brother was sent to the hospital on Easter with seizures. Before the week was out he had large tumour removed and it is the same type of brain cancer Kevin had. The mass was in a different location so the effects are different, and the stranger thing is he had this while Kevin was still alive! He has a better prognosis than Kevin so a little hope is there.
The memories it has brought back have not been bad. I can look back now and see that more like a movie. I can look at what was happening and better understand why Kevin and I did the things we did and made the decisions we made. I can also look back and not just remember the devastation. Through it all we had each other, and the love we shared. The love is still there now and I believe it always will be.
that was Sunday to Thursday on Friday my sisters husband had a triple heart bypass. He is recovering nicely and so far has had no complications. I leave on Tuesday for Phoenix and a road trip back with Ed in a 26 ft box truck!

Keeping up

Busy few days ahead. Dentist this morning, stuff at Karin's this afternoon, and tomorrow the Dr and Food Outreach. I am feeling like it is time to start doing more at Food Outreach. Kevin has been gone for a year and a half. I am back to my new normal and feel as close to my old self as I ever will. I am in better physical shape than I have been in many years and overall feel good. I am looking forward to this summer and having some adventures. Not as adventurous as I use to be but I am just going to be 43 and that is the new 33 right, Oprah said so!

The new start

Wow, it has been a while.
I am getting on with my life and doing it with a purpose. I have decided to put a book together of my life during Kevin's illness and the aftermath of it. I am going to include his posts from this blog as well as a journal, or I should say journals that I kept from just after he became ill up to the present. I hope to have this done by the end of summer and will attempt to keep this more up to date.

Kenny

Almost 2011

I have had a few busy months. School is finished for the semester, Christmas and the holidays are over. I have finally gotten back to me. It was a long time coming but I am as close to Kenny as I will ever be again. the anniversary of Kevin's death was very difficult and I chose to seek some professional counseling. It was very helpful. I have finally come to realise that I should feel no guilt or sense of betrayal when pursuing my life. Kevin is gone and while he will always be a part of my life he is no longer an active part of it. I have had to forgive others for things that I once thought were unforgivable. I realise that they are the ones that carry the burden of unfulfilled promise. I am to let myself be open to the possibilities of meeting someone again and building a life with him. If this happens great if not then I am just as happy alone.
The hardest thing is letting go of anger and fear. Once the fear is gone the anger dissipates. I am looking forward to a trip to San Francisco for New Years, and to the rest of my adventures yet to come.